Fanzine Review: 'Up The Arse!'

Last updated : 30 November 2003 By Brian Dawes

'Up the Arse!' is meticulously cobbled together by a chap called Arnold J Aardvark and if you believe a name like that you'll also believe that Glenda will be the next Arsenal manager. This humorous fanzine has made it as far as issue 45 and is still a good chuckle for a mere quid. Number 45 has a front cover which has a nice line on how Ferdinand forgot his dope test while the back cover has a Spot the Difference pictorial quiz based on Arsenal and England failing to control their players. Guest Editor is David Pleat who claims to have had a speed limiter installed in his car that allows 4 mph, which as he says will really kick ass around King's Cross.

An Up The Arse 'Obituary on Glenn Hoddle' points to the way in which he carried more chips on his shoulder than a McCain's warehouseman. 'Spurs Butler Spills the Beans' devotes a page, the standard size of all articles in this fanzine, to extracting the urinal deposits from the Scum. 'The Arsenal Club Charter' covers the 10 basic aspects of the charter and explains, for example, in Accessibility 1.1.1 about the broad range of ticket prices. Ripping off North Bank fans enables us to charge visiting fans less (see section 2.1). The following page voices the concerns of the FA 'FA to Investigate Riley' seemingly they are concerned about his recent officiating at Old Trafford where in a recent match against Fulham he went an entire match without awarding Van Diver a penalty, there's far more obviously but you get the drift. Next Up 'Seaman Facing Local Authority Investigation' for signing autographs as 'safe hands'. Then we have ‘Rio's Drug Test Hints' which includes such invaluable tips as - Buy some tippex and get working on your itemised 'phone bill.

A leaked document entitled 'The Football Association Disciplinary Process' confirms what most Gooners already knew but in a feature called 'History Today' Mr Aardvark puts us straight: April 17th was a day that will live in infamy as the US backed invasion of Cuba attempted to overthrow the Cuban Government lead by Fidel Castro. It was also the day that Tottenham Hotspur allegedly won the First Division Championship. Up the Arse! has seen new releases under the American Freedom of Information Act, which suggests that the Central Intelligence Agency had completely made up the story of the Tottenham Hotspur 'double' to demoralise Fidel Castro who remains to this day an ardent Gooner.

Further articles carry on in the same vein 'Radio Five Live' the home of live stereotypes replays your average Alan Green commentary and an image or a fat turd sprang to mind almost immediately. 'Strike' lifts the lid, or should that be lifts the slimy stone, on a sinister organisation called the PFA. 'Keown Comes Clean' is the highly believable admission that Martin thought he could fly at the point of his inadvertent celebratory leap in the vicinity of Van Diver. 'Chelsea Await January Transfer Window' exclusively reveals their new team for the second half of the season. The FA react to criticism that their disciplinary procedures appear to be made up as they go along in 'FA Unveil New Kangaroo Court'. 'Thompcorde - End of an Era' is about Liverpool finally announcing the end of Supersonic travel, accompanying photos of the droop nosed wonder compliment the text. 'Footballing Ready Steady Cook' includes such fabulous dishes as Gerard Houllier's Wild Bore, Tenderised Asian Lamb by Leeds and Newcastle, and Peach Tart by Victoria Beckham the recipe for which is revealed as - Add one talentless tart to the tabloid gossip pages and there you have it.

'Rio Ferdinand My Heroes' include Ben Johnson, Timothy Leary, Diego Maradona, John Belushi and Keith Richards. 'Ask Doctor Keane' is a regular feature in which an esteemed lawyer with a Doctorate in law from Cork University answers some legal questions. A typical question comes from an S Campbell of Hampstead: Dear Doctor Keane, Have I got a chance if I appeal against my £20,000 for kicking Djemba-Djemba in retaliation? After all Rufus Brevett punched a player, barged over a policeman and only got a £1,000 fine. To which Keano answers; Not a snowball in hell. Serves your lot f*ckin right.

‘Arsenal's Ticket Price Increases Explained' points the finger at Keith Endelman's vastly inflated salary of £460,000. A two page spread on the old comic strip cartoon ‘Dan Daren't' is another regular feature and in this issue features Daniel Levy Daren't who is having doubts about Captain Hoddle, who as it happens inadvertently blows himself up. ‘Rohypnol to Sponsor Newcastle?' precedes a ‘You ask the Star' page where in this latest issue Van Diver answers questions. Hardly surprisingly he responded to the ‘what's your favourite movie' question with Titanic and went on to say how moving and inspirational it was when the boat went down.

The letters page is another regular feature and this is followed by ‘FA Too Lenient on Gunners' in which Sir Alex Ferguson suggests some all together fairer punishment including Martin to be hung, drawn and quartered as pre-match entertainment in our next match at Old Trafford. ‘Chelsea Drag Shocker' explains how Eidur Gudjohnsen is attempting to curry favour with Abramovich by dressing up as a woman.

The inside back cover includes a Tottenham word search, some more United rhyming slang, but I'll leave you with one of UTA's ‘Football Nursery Rhymes'

Wee Willie Pleatie
Kerb Crawling through the town
Back streets and Kings Cross
In his night gown
Rapping at the windows
Crying through the locks
‘How much for a quickie love?
And can I wear my socks?'

As you just might have gathered this is a somewhat less than reverential fanzine with no absolutely no pretensions and no ambitions other than the thoroughly worthwhile pursuit of taking the piss out of Tottenham and all the other low-lifes. This type of humour obviously doesn't appeal to everyone but I've always found the mag to contain sufficient laughs to be worthy of the effort of stopping to buy one from one of the many fanzine sellers on my way to a home game.

UTA comes out irregularly about five times during the season. There's a whole load more to be found on the UTA website

Correspondence to: Up The Arse! P O Box 2567, Reading, RG1 5ZS


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