Lehmann - A Liability, managed to go 49 games unbeaten, will want to really impress this year as the World Cup is in his own country, but I listen to the blokes down the Pub who read the Sun, and they say he's shit. So thats that.
Ashley Cole - Best left back in the world. Has looked committed and wanting to prove his loyalty so far. But I hate him because he spoke to the chavs. Therefore he is shit.
Gael Clichy - Potentially Better than the best left back in the world. But hes young, so bring back Nutty.
Senderos - Awesome, but he looked dodgy once in one game and is too young. The next Tony Adams? Possibly, but doesn't deserve the chance, we should spend £80million on Nesta. Or something.
Toure - One of the most versatile, dynamic and consistant defenders in the PL. Never gets the credit he deserves, has a great engine. Came from Beveren though, so is therefore not good enough for AFC, with its proud history of Colin Pates' and Andy Linighans.
Sol Campbell - Fat bastard. used to be great. One of the best CBs in the world this time last year. But I havent seen him for a few months and therefore assume he is shit cos he never plays for Ingerland.
Lauren - Wanker. Always lets us down. So what if hes committed, passionate and pacey, there are at least....ummmmm...well, why don't we sign that nice Gary Neville? He's great.
Pires - Past it, only scores nearly 20 goals a season from midfield. We need someone like Kewell or Davies.
Gilberto - World Cup winner, the invisible wall, and nearing his peak. Performs a necessary task in the midle that we missed last year, but he can't score from there, so I hate him. Put Jenas in instead.
Cesc - Widely regarded as one of the most exciting talents in the league by the experts. If he played for Man Utd or Chelsea you would never hear the end of it, but he is small, and he is young. Not good enough. We need a dirty cripple in the middle like Keane or Davids, not a player with the potential to be a world beater and have all the fancy flicks.
Flamini - We missed Ray Parlour last year. What we don't need is a like for like replacement though who is French. Seems Passionate, is again too young and cheap.
Ljungberg - Too much experience, cares too much and is one of the only players who likes to get in the box. Sell him, he's no Dyer or Duff, so we should lose him.
Hleb- Despite signing no-one this summer, we somehow find ourselves with this £10million rated little beaut who lit up the Bundesliga. Still, I hadn't heard of him, and we should have signed the bench warmer Socialist Workers Party instead. For loads more money. Obviously.
Reyes - Versatile, newly focussed and single, signed until 2011. We have seen what he can do, but he had a slump last year, so we should have spent £16 million on Owen instead. He would have been much better.
Bergkamp - Absolute genius. Great passer, scores wonder goals, compliments Wengers style perfectly. Buts he's old.
RvP - Bergkamp with more speed, agility and dynamism, but too young and passionate. We should have kept Kanu or Wiltord, they never got into trouble.
Henry- OK, I quite like him. But the chavs will buy him next year anyway.
('Tongue in cheek' - This funny-sounding expression indicates that someone just told a joke or isn't being serious. If someone says something 'tongue-in-cheek' he or she is usually kidding. It's believed that this saying was created by an English humorist in the 1800's.)
Ashley Cole - Best left back in the world. Has looked committed and wanting to prove his loyalty so far. But I hate him because he spoke to the chavs. Therefore he is shit.
Gael Clichy - Potentially Better than the best left back in the world. But hes young, so bring back Nutty.
Senderos - Awesome, but he looked dodgy once in one game and is too young. The next Tony Adams? Possibly, but doesn't deserve the chance, we should spend £80million on Nesta. Or something.
Toure - One of the most versatile, dynamic and consistant defenders in the PL. Never gets the credit he deserves, has a great engine. Came from Beveren though, so is therefore not good enough for AFC, with its proud history of Colin Pates' and Andy Linighans.
Sol Campbell - Fat bastard. used to be great. One of the best CBs in the world this time last year. But I havent seen him for a few months and therefore assume he is shit cos he never plays for Ingerland.
Lauren - Wanker. Always lets us down. So what if hes committed, passionate and pacey, there are at least....ummmmm...well, why don't we sign that nice Gary Neville? He's great.
Pires - Past it, only scores nearly 20 goals a season from midfield. We need someone like Kewell or Davies.
Gilberto - World Cup winner, the invisible wall, and nearing his peak. Performs a necessary task in the midle that we missed last year, but he can't score from there, so I hate him. Put Jenas in instead.
Cesc - Widely regarded as one of the most exciting talents in the league by the experts. If he played for Man Utd or Chelsea you would never hear the end of it, but he is small, and he is young. Not good enough. We need a dirty cripple in the middle like Keane or Davids, not a player with the potential to be a world beater and have all the fancy flicks.
Flamini - We missed Ray Parlour last year. What we don't need is a like for like replacement though who is French. Seems Passionate, is again too young and cheap.
Ljungberg - Too much experience, cares too much and is one of the only players who likes to get in the box. Sell him, he's no Dyer or Duff, so we should lose him.
Hleb- Despite signing no-one this summer, we somehow find ourselves with this £10million rated little beaut who lit up the Bundesliga. Still, I hadn't heard of him, and we should have signed the bench warmer Socialist Workers Party instead. For loads more money. Obviously.
Reyes - Versatile, newly focussed and single, signed until 2011. We have seen what he can do, but he had a slump last year, so we should have spent £16 million on Owen instead. He would have been much better.
Bergkamp - Absolute genius. Great passer, scores wonder goals, compliments Wengers style perfectly. Buts he's old.
RvP - Bergkamp with more speed, agility and dynamism, but too young and passionate. We should have kept Kanu or Wiltord, they never got into trouble.
Henry- OK, I quite like him. But the chavs will buy him next year anyway.