7 of the Most Unbelievably Ridiculous Transfer Bids Arsenal Could Make This Summer



Chips Keswick (Arsenal director, old guy) & Stan Kroenke (Majority shareholder, old guy) sit at a long rectangular table, looking up at Unai Emery (Arsenal's manager. Looks a bit like Bela Lugosi), who is nervously pacing in front of a large whiteboard. 


We need to sign some new player. I can not be expected to win games with that useless sack of sh*t Shkodran Mustafi in defence.


We understand. Who would you like to sign? 


[Cutting in] We are giving you £40m to sign players this summer. Remember that.


[Exacerbated] How can I sign the players we need with only £40m? Crystal Palace want £80m for Wilfried Zaha alone. 


Get creative. 

Unai Emery runs out of the boardroom crying hysterically. 


This is how we imagine the past few boardroom meetings have gone at ​Arsenal as the club painfully - and embarrassingly - attempts to stretch £40m to sign the myriad of players that they need this summer.

With the ridiculously stupid offer of £40m in five instalments for ​Zaha already in the books, we thought we'd speculate over some other bids Arsenals could lodge for Europe's best and brightest this summer: 

Wilfried Zaha


Offer: £40 in four instalments (over the next eight years) + one free swing at Piers Morgan (to be used at any time over the next of the next year) + Carl Jenkinson. 

This would be a much improved, and much less embarrassing offer than the one Arsenal have actually lodged. 

Harry Maguire

Harry Maguire

Offer: £50m in 25 instalments over the course of the next 25 years + one 2019/20 Arsenal replica jersey (home or away) + one life-size cut-out of 'beautiful human being' Joe Allen + a half-eaten pack of strawberry Fruittella + one blu-ray of Brendan Rodgers' choosing from Stan Kroenke's personal (very personal) collection + Carl Jenkinson. 

This deal would depend on one thing: how good Stan Kroenke's blu-ray collection is. 

And possibly Manchester United's ability to match Leicester City's £80m valuation of ​Harry Maguire - but mainly the strength of that blu-ray collection. 

Nicolas Pepe


Offer: £25m + 80 square miles of Stan Kroenke's ranch + 14 signed copies of 'Ian Wright: My Life in Football' + one item of Hector Bellerin's wardrobe (of Bellerin's choosing) + Carl Jenkinson. 

Bellerin's wardrobe is vast and wacky, but it does have a few gems in it. This could be a goer.


Isco Alarcon

Offer: £10m four-year loan with £30m obligation to buy (triggered if Arsenal qualify for the UEFA Champions League) + one ticket to Idris Elba's next concert + one 'thank you' card + a promise to play Shkodran Mustafi every time they play Real Madrid over the course of the next 12 years (regardless of the player's age or fitness) + Carl Jenkinson.

Promising to play Shkodran Mustafi is a high price to pay, but it could be worth it in the long run if Arsenal were able to get their hands on a player of ​Isco's calibre. 

Kylian Mbappe


Offer: £40m (flat fee) + one decade of the rosary + one more decade of the rosary + NFL team Los Angeles Rams + NBA team Denver Nuggets + one more decade of the rosary + big box of Tesco Value wine + two free swings at Piers Morgan per week + Carl Jenkinson.

Despite this monstrous offer, ​Kylian Mbappe may still be just - just - out of reach for Arsenal. Shame. 

Virgil van Dijk

Virgil van Dijk

Offer: £40m + £1 + Public apology for 2013 offer for Luis Suarez + Change club's Twitter avatar to an image of the Anfield scoreboard after Liverpool's 5-1 win over Arsenal for one full year + Carl Jenkinson.

The extra £1 in this case wouldn't be a performance-based incentive. Which is good...I guess. 

Yacine Brahimi 


Offer: £0m + Carl Jenkinson.

£0m + Carl Jenkinson = £0m. 

Source : 90min