Portsmouth v Arsenal - Player Ratings

Last updated : 16 May 2007 By Luis Anaconda
...and so on to Julio Baptista, our much put-upon centre forward. A 0-0 draw was almost inevitable which meant no real highlights to watch for those of us stuck in a cupboard in London, merely the witterings of our correspondent in the field disguised as Scooby-Doo - or who did not have a Scooby - I wasn't sure

Mart Poom - Sept points - The beneficiary of Arsene Wenger's controversial decision the evening before to base the selection of goalkeeper on a Eurovision Song Contest karaoke sing-off - Poom's take on Making Your Mind Up, with Rosicky and Hleb in the mini-skirted roles of Cheryl Baker and t'Other One who nobody knows the name of, beating Almunia's La, La, La (he got the words wrong) and Jens's poorly chosen A Little Peace. Performed adequately.

Justin Hoyte/Gael Clichy - 6.15sec/6.14 - In the absence of any threat from Portsmouth's wingers, our two full-backs took part in a 50m sprint contest - originally meant to be the full-length of the pitch but both got lost once they crossed the halfway line

Kolo Toure - 2 2 2 We've got Kolo Toure 2 2 2 He plays for Arsenal - (um that makes 12/10, I think)

Phillipe Senderos - Won technical k/o 5 rounds - Phil 'The Swiss Alp' Senderos proved the mockers wrong with a commanding performance against his big African opponent, Nwankwo 'The Stick' Kanu. Drogba will hold no fears now

Emmanuel Eboue - 5.8 (degree of difficulty 3.5) - Warmed up for his players' party fancy-dress turn as Arnold from Different Strokes by responding to the encouraging gibes from his big brother-figure in the team with his well-practised pout and outbursts of "what'chu talkin' 'bout, Kolo?"

Johan Djourou - 8.4 - Measurement on the Richter scale when it was announced that a centre back was playing in midfield for the first time since the days of Martin Keown. Poised on the ball, athletic, decent passer - the resemblance was absent

Cesc Fabregas - F4 - [Paste lavish praise from any of previous 40-odd performances]

Alexander Hleb - 1 or 10 - A footballing genius or Hleb the Pleb I just can't make up my mind

Abou Diaby - 7 - Boy done well

Julio Baptista - 3.1415926 - As in who ate all the… Our much-missing Brazilian will not be much missed. Funny how when he got the ball people stopped shouting shooooooooooot

Substitutes not used